Sex, Lies, and Alibis
by crematosis
Summary: A few lovely little oneshots about all the perverted happenings in the lives of our favorite starocean charries on their mighty flagship. Come find out how fayt and Albel play with their food and what happens when strip poker turns deadly...and much more.
1. Gummy worms and Lifesavers

A/N: Yes, this actually happened...i play the role of Fayt, my pervy cousin plays the role of Albel, and poor cousin joey plays the role of Cliff. Poor Joey..i think we traumatized him for life.

Disclaimer: This is based on a true story, but it didn't happen to the actual characters. And don't ask me where they go ahold of those sweets.

Cliff Fittir was not the type to eavesdrop, but sometime the occasion called for it. And it was terribly hard to ignore raised voices. He had been walking along, minding his own business when he heard the voices coming form the kitchen so he had stopped to listen.

"It isn't working, fool," Albel complained.

"It will," Fayt assure him. "I've done this before. Just stick the gummy worm into the hole."

"It won't fit," Albel growled.

"Okay, here's what you have to do. You need to get your worm wet. It'll slide in easier."

"Will licking it work?"

"Yeah, as long as you get it all soft and slimy."

Albel chuckled. "Enough, fool. I know how to do it."

There was a slight pause and then Fayt said indignantly. "Hey, that's my gummy worm! Leave it alone, sicko!"

Albel snorted. "Gummy worms are gummy worms."

"That's really gross. You don't lick someone else's gummy worm."

"Why not? They're all the same."

"Because-well, never mind. Arguing with you is pointless. Why'd you want to lick mine anyway? You've got your own."

"I wanted to see what yours tastes like."

Fayt sounded amused. "So, what have you decided?"

"It tastes sweet, just like you."

"Aw, Albel-"

"Sickeningly sweet," Albel interrupted him.

Fayt laughed. "Then stop sucking on it."

"Can't," Albel said calmly, his voice garbled around his full mouth. "It tastes too good."

Fayt shrieked with laughter and there was a loud clanging noise. "Stop Albel! I can't breathe!"

"Why not? I'm nowhere near your mouth."

"Because you're making me laugh."

"You aren't laughing, fool," Albel said scornfully. "You're giggling."

"I don't giggle," Fayt said indignantly. "Only girls giggle."

The loud crashing noise made Cliff cringe. Fayt burst out laughing again. "Albel, that tickles! Don't touch me there!"

"Stop laughing, fool, or I'll cut something off," Albel threatened.

"No! Not my gummy worm!"

"Then be serious!" Albel ordered. It was quiet for a moment and then Albel began grumbling. "Bah, stupid whatever it is hole."

"We call it a lifesaver." Fayt started laughing again but he quickly cut himself off.

"Really?" Albel seemed intrigued. "It can't save anyone's life. It's just fun to play with."

"And it's fun to lick," Fayt added.

"You lick this too? Do you have to taste everything on your planet?"

Fayt voice lowered conspiratorially but Cliff could still barely hear it. "You know what else we call a lifesaver? A woman's hole."

"Neither of us are girls," Albel growled.

"You're right. It's just us here. I shouldn't spoil the moment. Want to try again?"

"Yes, I just wish you had a larger lifesaver. It would make things easier."

"I can't help it," Fayt said morosely.

"Of course not. It was given to you. You had no choice."

"Perhaps if you licked it, it would make the hole bigger," Fayt suggested.

Albel chucked dryly. "Ha, it's actually working. You were right. This does feel good. I feel better already."

"I told you so," Fayt said triumphantly. "Come on, Albel! Push!"

Cliff had heard enough. He burst in the door looking like he had seen a ghost. Still breathing heavily, he looked around the room. Fayt was in the process of biting off the head of a red and green gummy worm and Albel was threading an orange worm through the hole in a cherry lifesaver. Both of them looked up at Cliff in surprise.

"damn it!" Cliff growled, clapping a hand to his forehead. Looking embarrassed, he quickly ran out of the room.

"What's wrong with him?" Fayt asked.

Albel shrugged. "He's being a bloody idiot as usual."

Fayt brightened. "Are you hungry for worms?"

Albel smirked. "Always." With one deft motion of his sword, he decapitated the orange worm.


	2. When strip poker turns deadly

A/N: Yes, I apologize profusely for not updating sooner…and once again…based on a true story like all the ones in this series are going to be…this time I'm Maria…and my cousin Joey gets to be Fayt and Frankie is still Albel.

Disclaimer: I do not own star ocean and neither did I create the game of strip poker….I'm perverted, but not that perverted.

Albel was beginning to get extremely bored. The thing he hated the most about being stuck in space was that there were no enemies to fight. And for some reason, Fayt believed that attempting to kill Sophia was a bad thing. Fayt would also not let Albel break things. He had said something meaningless about how the ship wouldn't function without control panels. Albel hadn't really been paying attention. But now he was very bored. He absently tapped his feet against the floor and scowled as he slouched into his chair.

Maria walked into the room to pick up a few weapons from the metal crate near the table Albel was sitting at, temporarily distracting him. "Would you like to play a game, worm?" Albel asked, a cruel gleam in his eyes.

"What kind of game?" Maria asked warily.

"Oh, I believe you maggots call it poker."

Maria did not like the look on Albel's face at all. She frowned and put a hand on her hip. "You want to play strip poker, don't you?"

"Of course not," Albel said innocently. "I will not strip you against your will. That won't make the game very fun."

Maria scowled. "Albel, I don't want to play with you. You're going to find some way to cheat just so you can get me naked and laugh at my expense."

Albel glared at her. "What kind of a person do you think I am? I don't need to cheat."

Maria sighed and tapped her foot indecisively. "Look, Albel. I really don't want to look at you naked or have you look at me naked. Can we just stop at undergarments and not go all the way?"

Albel sighed and rolled his eyes. "But that would be cheating because women wear more undergarments than men."

"Not all women," Maria said indignantly.

"Okay, not all women, but most. You would have underwear and a bra while I would only have underwear."

"I don't wear a bra," Maria informed him.

Albel stared at her in awe. "Well, I think you can play then."

Maria sighed. "Fine, I'll play with you. Give me a second and I'll go change into some other clothes."

Maria returned a few minutes later, wearing at least three shirts and two skirts over a pair of shorts and a pair of pants.

Albel rolled his eyes. "This is going to be a very long game."

Fayt walked into the room, following Maria. "She invited me to…" His gaze fell onto Maria's layers. "Sweet! I'm going to go do that too!"

"No more than five layers!" Albel roared after him. "You guys will make this game take forever."

Fayt and Maria sat down calmly facing Albel. Albel scowled. "I hate you all. Why did I ever decide to play with you?"

"Umm, because you're bored?" Fayt offered.

Albel banged his head on the table. "Yes, and I'm becoming more bored by the second. Someone deal the card before I fall asleep."

The three played for several rounds. Fayt did not really know how to play poker, but he had incredible luck. Fayt normally had the best hand, but since he was too embarrassed to pick anyone to strip, they had decided that the person with the lowest cards would have to.

Albel also seemed to have good luck. Maria suspected he was cheating, but she said nothing. Albel was only wearing one layer of clothes, but he did not lose the game. Maria was the first person to lose.

With a heavy sigh, Maria removed her shirt. Fayt made a strangled noise and pulled his shirt up to just below his eyes. "Albel, I though you said we weren't stripping all the way!"

Albel kicked Fayt hard in the shins. "Idiot! She isn't wearing a bra. Didn't you notice she had nothing under her shirt?"

"Oh," said Fayt sheepishly.

Maria sighed again. "Well, guys, it looks like I lost. I'm going to go now and get something from the other room." Maria disappeared down the hall with her clothes tucked under her arm.

"Too bad," Fayt murmured, rising from his position on the floor.

Albel grabbed onto Fayt's shirt. "Where do you think you're going, fool?"

"The game's over, isn't it?"

"No, it's not. And now that Maria's gone, we're going to go further." Albel grinned wickedly.

Fayt looked shocked. "Further?"

"Yes. We're going to go all the way."

"But-I didn't agree to this!"

"Shut up, fool or I'll cut off your balls."

Fayt fell silent and Albel grinned. "Good. Deal the cards, fool."

Fayt sighed. "This is going to be a long game."


	3. peppita's game of perversion

A/N: Now…this idea didn't come from my real life…it came from reading too much. Such a dirty girl I am. XDD Err…..anyway, we'll let you guess what happens. XD

Disclaimer: Thank goodness I don't own Peppita. XD I'm afraid of what would happen if I did.

Cliff was having a bad day. He was now pretty much scarred for life. He couldn't look at Albel and Fayt without getting a bad picture stuck in his head. He wasn't quite sure that he was exactly wrong either since Fayt couldn't look at Albel either, but he wasn't going to pry.

He didn't want another repeat of that embarrassing episode, so he didn't get immediately involved when he walked by a closed door and heard a loud high-pitched scream.

"Oh, don't be silly," he heard Peppita say irritably. "It's not going to hurt you. Honestly, you're telling me you've never done this with anybody before?"

"Don't jump to conclusions. Don't jump to conclusions," Cliff told himself firmly and he listened intently so he could make out what was really going on.

Mirage walked down the hallway. "Cliff, what are you doing?"

"Mirage!" Cliff said joyfully. "Get over here and tell me I'm not crazy."

Her eyes narrowed. "What are you doing?"

"Come over here and listen," Cliff hissed. "And keep your voice down."

Mirage dutifully stood by the door and listened briefly. "It sounds like Peppita."

"Yeah, but who's she talking to?"

"I have no idea, but I have better things to do than eavesdrop."

The second person screamed again and Mirage paused. "What was that?"

Cliff grinned. "It sounds like Peppita's got a torture chamber in her bedroom."

"Shouldn't we help out?" Mirage asked.

Cliff sighed. "We don't know for sure what's going on in there yet. I say we wait and listen a bit more."

"Okay, now take off that skirt," Peppita commanded.

Her demand was met with a small whimper and a loud crash.

Peppita giggled. "I didn't say fall over. You're awfully clumsy. But you're kinda pretty."

"Who is she talking to?" Mirage hissed. "Maria? Nel?"

"You have nice soft chocolaty hair," Peppita continued. "You should put ribbons in it more often. I know! I can braid it for you."

"It's Sophia," Cliff whispered in horror.

Mirage's eyes widened. "How could this happen? I thought both of them were so innocent."

"What did you say?" Peppita asked sweetly to her captive.

There was a short pause and then Peppita shrieked, "Pervert!" There was a sharp sound like a slap. "I'll get you back for that!" Peppita declared.

Nel walked down the hall. "What are you two doing?"

Cliff nearly jumped. "Uh, fine…listen if you want. But keep it down."

Nel frowned and bent in closer to the door.

"First, I'll tie you to the bed and then we'll have fun!" Peppita said delightedly. "But don't worry. All I'm going to make you wear is this pretty red ribbon."

The screams became higher and more desperate. "Come on, we have to do something!" Cliff said, jiggling the handle on the door. "Rats, it's locked. Now what?"

"Poor Sophia," Mirage said sadly.

Nel looked confused. "Sophia? You mean Sophia is in there with Peppita?"

"Yes, of course."

"But that can't be. I saw her just down the hall."

Cliff looked puzzled. "Well, someone's in there with her. But who could it be?"

At that moment, the door burst open. Roger dashed out still screaming. He grabbed Nel's hand. "Please, lady, you have to help me. She's scary!"

"Roger, get back here!" Peppita shouted.

Roger gasped and took off running down the hall with a red ribbon tied around his tail.

Cliff burst out laughing. "I've never been so happy to be wrong in my life."


End file.
